Bearded Wondering

shaggy

Last weekend I tried to play my part in the hirsute movement with a 5 or 6 o’clock shadow; okay, closer to 2 or 3 o’clock (a.m.).  Granted it was a weak showing with no hipster cool handle bar mustache, mouth brow, grass grin, flavor savor, chin curtain, goat tee, or fu manchu to be had… more like a scraggly, Shaggy outcropping and an altogether poor excuse for “beard.”

Yet, while my lame attempt may not have heralded a new epoch in men’s facial hair, make no mistake it was historic. You see last weekend somebody insinuated that I, Leland Fay 44 years old, old-but-not-that-old-at-least-I-thought-until-now, am a ‘Grandpa.’

Image result for old man shaggy of scooby doo

The exact words were, while out on a walk talking to a lady about my puppy dog Elsa, ‘Oh you’re grand kids must love her.’

I think my response was a wilting, “Err yeah.”

Inside hallow man screamed.

 

Okay not really, or whatever, um kind of, croaked.

Either way its the beard’s fault man. That stubble done-done me wrong.

Since starting on the various medications for cancer 3.5 years ago my facial hair has gone from dark to salt and pepper to white. Now I’m ‘paying’ for it. Gonna think twice, maybe, the next time I decide to forego a razor for a few days. Will say to myself, “Leland says I, snap out of it, you are not looking all George Clooney more like Col. Sanders.”

Then again, perhaps I can take comfort in knowing that clean shaven might be a better option, health-wise, in the long run. I’m thinking about this article I read in the NY Post awhile back entitled, Bearded men have poop on their faces.

Note: If you have been reading any of my posts for the last three months, it should not surprise you that somewhere in the back of my hairy brain I remembered reading this and a weird synapse fired.

Here’s the quote from feces on face article:

According to a group of microbiologists in New Mexico, the rancid bacteria that beards collect could be putting owners’ health at risk. Microbiologist John Golobic, of Quest Diagnostics, swabbed a number of beards searching for bacteria for the study and found that some of the bacteria “are the kind of things that you find in feces. I’m usually not surprised, and I was surprised by this,” he said. “There would be a degree of uncleanliness that would be somewhat disturbing.”

Ha! Take that beard masters of the universe, maybe, but wait…

Is a little bacteria necessarily a bad thing? Not enough microbes in the diet, on our hands, or in our hair a harbinger or perhaps another symptom, on a macrobiotic level, of possible environment crisis? This article is wild, “How the Western Diet Has Derailed Our Evolution.” Scientists were shocked to find that an isolated tribe in Africa harbored a far more diverse and complex set of intestinal bacteria than average modern man. In turn, that tribe had virtually no incidence of modern disease.

Many who study the microbiome suspect that we are experiencing an extinction spasm within that parallels the extinction crisis gripping the planet. Numerous factors are implicated in these disappearances. Antibiotics, available after World War II, can work like napalm, indiscriminately flattening our internal ecosystems. Modern sanitary amenities, which began in the late 19th century, may limit sharing of disease- and health-promoting microbes alike. Today’s houses in today’s cities seal us away from many of the soil, plant, and animal microbes that rained down on us during our evolution, possibly limiting an important source of novelty.

And you may recall, and as previously discussed a few weeks ago, that having the right microbes on board can potentially play a critical role in the success or failure of immunotherapies (the treatments I have been on).

From a recently published article in Science Daily

Introducing certain bacteria into the digestive tracts of mice with melanoma can help their immune systems attack tumor cells. The gains were comparable to treatment with anti-cancer drugs known as checkpoint inhibitors. The combination of bacteria and anti-PD-L1 nearly abolished tumor outgrowth, report scientists…Checkpoint inhibitors such as ipilimumab (Yervoy), nivolumab (Opdivo)  and pembrolizumab (Keytruda) have had a dramatic impact on treatment of several tumor types, including melanoma, lung cancer, head and neck cancers and others. But only a minority of patients — one-third or less — have a vigorous response. Cancer researchers have wondered why so few benefit…They found that introducing the bacteria was just as effective as treating them with anti-PD-L1 antibodies, resulting in significantly slower tumor growth. Combining the benefits associated with the bacteria with anti-PD-L1 treatment dramatically improved tumor control…

So, alright, I dunno.

Maybe I need to cultivate a facial fro, for health reasons. Never gone the distance, you know like more than a week without a straight edge, but perhaps its time…

Not sure how “tickled” Sarah will be with this; but hey if its for health and I can live with the Grandpa “bristles”, I should perhaps do it. And there’s that old saying about how ‘being old is a privilege, denied to many.’ So true.

This little excerpt from Frasier doesn’t really fit as a way to end this post, but’s its funny and better than my, um, balding “tickled” and “bristles” humor.

Occasionally you fool yourself into thinking you can do it. It never ends well.

Notes from Inc.com interview, ‘What 98 Brain Tumors Taught Me’

Amy Morin, author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do and I recently had a great discussion regarding some lessons learned, after hearing I had Stage IV Melanoma, including 98 brain tumors and a six weeks to live prognosis.  Thankfully its three years later and I’m still here. She wanted to know what I might have learned from the experience and the intervening years.

The result of our conversation was posted on Inc.com today.  You can check it out here: http://www.inc.com/amy-morin/5-life-lessons-a-terminal-diagnosis-taught-this-courageous-man-about-life.html?snmefr and thank you Amy for taking an interest in me and my story; as well as doing such a fantastic job summarizing some of the main points we discussed.

In addition to our conversation, I also had some notes. Not all made it into the above because a) there’s a word limit; b) yeah, I can be a little wordy.  However, I thought I would capture them below in case they are of use to someone facing or helping someone face a daunting health crisis like mine.

So, here goes…

“What 98 Brain Tumors Taught Me”

1. Forgiveness.

Melanoma is something like 95% curable if caught during early stages; and, conversely, deadly when it enters later stages. In my case, the dermatologist I was seeing misdiagnosed the bump on my scalp, thinking it was a fatty cyst. By failing to biopsy the mole, which in hindsight he should have done due to its characteristics (classic ABCDEs – asymmetrical, border, color, diameter, evolution, search for ‘Melanoma and ABCDEs) he catastrophically screwed up.

But, I know from my career as an engineer that everyone – especially yours truly – makes mistakes; especially when dealing with complex problems. Either way, I knew instantly if I was going to survive this terrible diagnosis that I had to forgive him. Otherwise it would consume me. I was not going to throw away what time I had left on hate. I forgave him.

The situation can still make me feel angry but I have spent close to 0 time stewing about it. When it does come up I remember to let him off the hook, think about my own imperfections, and remind myself that forgiveness is a practice; it is a conscience act of saying “I forgive this person” and then, if the temptation to spin off into some indignant, self-righteous anger comes up, kick it out.

2. My participation required.

Our society maintains a certain mystic around the medical profession; that doctors have all the answers and should, by virtue of training and position, make every call regarding health. For cancer at least (probably because no silver bullet exists yet), this is not the case. So I had to step up, get through the fear, look at the data, talk to friends and family, pray, and decide. This included deciding on surgeries, chemotherapies/immunotherapies, clinical trials, and even weekly trips, for six months, from Colorado to California.  It was on, or at least partly, on me.

3. Embrace the fearful internet.
There is a prolific amount of information out here. It drove me crazy but was a net gain. I read everything. I made bad decisions as a result; but also made some good ones.

Intel has stated that Moore’s Law is cooling off (the “law” that stated computing power would essentially double every two years while computing capacity growth slowed). A 2011 study in the Journal of Science, showed that the peak of the world’s capacity to compute information was in 1998. Since that time, technological growth has slowed. Post 1998 each new year allowed humans to carry out approx. 60% of the computations possibly executed by all existing general-purpose computers before that year. Fun stuff to think about…okay only if you are a nerd…I wonder why Amy chose not to use this…but continuing nerdeuphoric information…

While Moore’s Law cools, the amount of available information grows.

Buckminster Fuller created the “Knowledge Doubling Curve” when he noted that until 1900 human knowledge doubled approximately every century. By World War II knowledge was doubling every 25 years. Today things are not as simple as different types of knowledge have different rates of growth. For example, nanotechnology knowledge is doubling every two years and clinical knowledge every 18 months. But on average human knowledge (um average human knowledge) is doubling every 13 months.  According to IBM, the build out of  the “internet of things” will eventually lead to the doubling of knowledge every 12 hours (http://www.industrytap.com/knowledge-doubling-every-12-months-soon-to-be-every-12-hours/).

So what’s the point.  THE POINT IS that just because knowledge is doubling that does not necessarily imply or equate to quality. For example I just cut/pasted/plagiarized (some 0-;)  some information regarding statistics without citing my sources.  That is happening  everywhere.  So, again THE POINT IS search but be careful.

4. Lean on friends.

Advice from friends and family. My wife in particular, along with a few close friends, provided sounding boards for what I was reading on the internet and hearing from the doctors. There is also plenty of research “out there” that suggests cancer patients with a strong support group have, statistically, better outcomes.

5. What matters?
I will never “wish I would have spent more time in meetings.” I’ve lived that. The first thing I thought of when I got the news were my wife and kids. I was, ironically, at work when the doctor called. I went home to my family. That’s what is important when you get news like that.

6. Hamburger, shakes, fries. Whatever man.
I was a chronic cheeseburger obsessed aficionado-addict-aholic. But after reading anecdotal, personal experiences who radically changed their diet and received ‘spontaneous remission” (someone survives cancer without the medical explanation), I said “no” to meat and refined sugar three years ago. Every time I have been tempted I think about 98 brain tumors, my wife and kids, and how I never want to get told I have progressed or new cancer again. Doesn’t mean I won’t receive that news – I get that – but if I do I want to know that I punched back hard. This includes a near fanatical devotion to exercise every day as well diet. Here’s a little more detail on diet which I’ve followed for last three years (http://www.budwigcenter.com/the-budwig-diet/#.VmEXTHarTIU

7. I’m no terminal super hero.
What’s that Queen Latifa movie where she finds out she has a brain tumor and goes out and lives her life to the fullest? Pah! Or the myth (maybe its not a myth I don’t know) about how when people receive the news they are going to die, they suddenly start shooting rainbows out their fingertips (or, um, nether regions)? Yeah, I didn’t get struck perfect, knighted, or welcomed into the community of sainthood by virtue of a terminal diagnosis. Just ask my wife, kids or friends about my un-rainbows. Do I think about life a little more and appreciate it, yeah I think so. But its still life, I’m still me, and I’m still living in the middle of it.

8. Know thy life insurance.
It is very important, if I die, to make sure my family is covered. Fortunately, they will be as long as I am in the employ of my company. That’s the rub. I would advice anyone to do this now – find out what the terms of your life insurance are. I highly recommend getting a policy that is not tied to your job. Lesson learned.

9. Kind and Assertive.
Those kinds of principles should not be mutually exclusive, especially when dealing with insurance companies. You have to be ready to fight for treatment options and care. At the same time it does no good to do it with an angry voice or berating attitude. Its not that there is some master malevolent plan or the folks on the other end of the phone wanted to see me hurt. But, as with any large corporation or human system where policy and ultimately human frailty are involved, there’s gonna be trouble sometimes. I got great care from my insurance, but we had to work to get there.

This goes for treating medical staff and doctors as well. Its an art, even when in pain at times, to be kind yet assertive. I could also say something here about how we absolutely don’t want socialize medicine but, actually, should be working towards personalized medicine models (especially as it relates to hard to solve problems like mine); but that question of social medicine has become more a debate over emotionally over-charged, political views than good, reasonable discourse and logic.

10. Euphoria is the absence of pain.
I realized this recently having been in some acute, chronic pain from treatment, that euphoria = no pain. Euphoria translates to something like “to bear wellness” ((/juːˈfɔəriə/; from Ancient Greek εὐφορία, from εὖ eu, “well”, and φέρω pherō, “to bear”)…this is different than the more modern use of the term used to describe an all night “rave” under the blinking lights at a club in a back alley in Borneo. This train of thought leads me to wonder whether we are born euphoric, in a state of well being that is euphoric…just being our healthy selves is not only a privilege but actually a state of euphoria, we are just maybe too ‘caught up’ to realize it.

11. Death to death. 
I am a Christian, raised Catholic but now practicing Lutheran (God rest my Grandmother’s soul, and sorry Father S, Mom), but am also “blessed” with a constant cycling brain and engineering background. I know intellectually that believing this life is not the end is, ultimately, a matter of faith. We either choose to believe it or not and I choose to believe it today.

That said, what helped me was to read about near death experiences (http://www.nderf.org/) as well books like “Proof of Heaven” by Eben Alexander (neuroscientist who had profound near death experience) and Kubler-Ross’ “On Life after Death.” I found personal experiences more encouraging at times than remote or abstract statements about what happens next.

Love what Walter Murch, one of the mad geniuses behind The Godfather and Apocalypse Now, had to say in recent interview for Nautilus,

“…it’s very presumptuous of us to think that we are the end of it. Yes, we can perceive everything that we can perceive, and we can perceive downward pretty efficiently thanks to science…but constitutionally, I would say, it’s impossible for us to scientifically perceive upward. We have intuitions about that, which is the whole idea of religion…There is a kind of science in the Bible of, don’t eat pork, don’t eat shellfish, these things, behavioral stuff; but what are these based on? We now know what they’re based on and we can see the larger picture because we’re further down the road, so my hunch is that, I mean it’s a hunch, but a belief is that there are many levels beyond us and I don’t know what those levels are but I know that they are there…”

So the point is it is possible to not really understand something prior to believing or accepting it. That does not make it any less real, missing or not there.

12. Yeah, go figure, Einstein was right about relativity.
Einstein’s theory of relativity just celebrated its 100 birthday. Within the pantheon of his well weathered theories, is the statement that time is an illusion. I have, looking back, experienced that…I remember 6th grade Grammar class seeming to stretch on for back to back eternities, forever; then, when you watch your kids go from birth to 10 in a blink of an eye.

The experience of the relativity of time is my personal experience…and I realize that if I survive another 5-10-20-30-40-beam-my-consciousness-into-a-billion-cyber-years-God-forbid, at some point I will again, just as I did when I got the cancer news, look back and realize how quickly it went. Time stretches back but is gone, whoosh. This is a description of the human, emotional experience of time rather than the harder science in which Einstein proved relativity (sorry Newton). But either way, against this backdrop of time elasticity, there is the “moment” which was gone when I wrote “moment” (damn there it goes again), so I might as well try to enjoy it.

13. Kubler Ross was right too.
I spoke about Kubler-Ross above…she’s most famous for describing the five stages that all people go through when they are dying, according to her studies and work with terminal ill patients.  The stages are, as stolen from Wikepedia:

  • Denial — The first reaction is denial. In this stage individuals believe the diagnosis is somehow mistaken, and cling to a false, preferable reality.
  • Anger — When the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue, it becomes frustrated, especially at proximate individuals. Certain psychological responses of a person undergoing this phase would be: “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; ‘”Who is to blame?”; “Why would this happen?”.
  • Bargaining — The third stage involves the hope that the individual can avoid a cause of grief. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek compromise.
  • Depression — “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “I’m going to die soon so what’s the point?”; “I miss my loved one, why go on?” During the fourth stage, the individual becomes saddened by the mathematical probability of death. In this state, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time mournful and sullen.
  • Acceptance — “It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.”; “Nothing is impossible.” In this last stage, individuals embrace mortality or inevitable future, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event. People dying may precede the survivors in this state, which typically comes with a calm, retrospective view for the individual, and a stable condition of emotions.

Of-course this could be considered a bi-product of modern life. We can often see our mortality way in advance, know what is going to kill us, days-weeks-years before we die.  Either way, my experience is that I did not go through these stages just one time; rather over and over, sometimes many times a day…or at least I went through the first 4 stages this way many times until I reached acceptance. That acceptance was or, really is still today (because I sometimes repeat this spin cycle), the realization that whatever happens everything is okay, is to a certain degree out of my hands, and will be whatever it is meant to be.

So, I can and will try to the best of my ability to participate in my health, to lean on my friends and family, to have faith and do whatever I can in my power to be healthy, but at the same time I have to accept whatever will be, will be and is.

That’s it, that’s all folks, hope these notes from my convo with Amy helps someone. Peace and, as always, let me know if I can help or share any experience with you.  I will respond to each email personally, leland.fay@gmail.com

On Melanoma, Weed, Jimmy Carter, and Zombie Beavers

Some interesting news this week regarding melanoma and weed…okay, actually, this is a little bit of false advertising…I know-I know because like I live in Colorado, and I think Jerry Garcia should have run for president (dunno maybe he still could, might be better, cryogenics or Randal Koene save us), and like, um, I live in Colorado (oh wait I said that already, ahuh, ahuh), that you thought I was talking about the art supplies, the sticky icky, the wacky tobacky, the weed man, Jeff Spicoli’s perpetual homework assignment from Mr. Hand man.

The news was actually regarding melanoma and seaweed; or more specifically a sugar called L-fucose which is found in seaweed (especially) brown kelp, mushrooms and some seeds. L-fucose was demonstrated to slow down cell metastasis (division) and spread in melanoma cells (Melanoma and L-fucose). I’ll likely be adding more kelp to the rotation in the pantry; or, maybe next time in the area, I’ll go for a swim at Downtown Aquarium in Denver and do some grazing at the bottom of the tank. That won’t scare any kids off or anything.

Of-course these results with seaweed and melanoma were demonstrated in mice; who knows if that will translate into positive results for humans. To verify that we will likely have to wait ten years and for a major pharmaceutical company to spend a billion dollars on research and development and for the FDA to approve…unless of-course you are Jimmy Carter and/or a possible member of the american aristocracy and little things like FDA approvals do not necessarily apply to you.

In the last six months he announced that he had melanoma and it had spread to various parts of his body, including his brain.  In turn, it was noted that he would be receiving gamma knife and Keytruda.

It’s the Keytruda part that got lodged under my craw, a little.

Why?

Keytruda is not yet FDA approved for first line treatment for patients diagnosed with advanced, Stage IV melanoma. They are working on that and it should happen soon, but not yet. Keytruda is only approved as a second line treatment. In other words its supposed to be given to people only after they have received other interventions such as yervoy or chemotherapy first. If and when they don’t respond, then they are allowed to get it. That’s not just a nice-to-have, its the law. Wonder what any of those families who have ever petitioned the pharmaceutical companies and/or the FDA to get a medicine before approved (and were denied) for themselves or their loved ones would say?

Okay, this is may be unfair. Dunno. Dunno the whole story. These are things conspiracies are made. That’s always-always-always possible.

For the record, I have nothing against former President Carter. Think he’s in a good place, as elder statesman, to make truthful statements in the media and he certainly has availed himself of this…referring here to his recent quip about US politics becoming an oligarchy controlled by private interest groups and unlimited political bribery (Carter and Oligarchy). Probably some truth to that.

And its cool how much he appears to be doing with his charity and humanitarian work in the world, and has been for a long time. Probably has done more in a few hours more than I will ever do in a lifetime. Don’t know what he’s had to put up with or go through to accomplish this, never walked in his shoes.

And its cool he received the same treatment I did and is doing great (.Washington Post: Jimmy Carter tells Sunday school class that he has no signs of cancer).

All good man.

But…

How did he get Keytruda before FDA approval? Did he receive yervoy or chemo first? Or was there a special dispensation? If the answer is yes does this maybe seem a little inconsistent or, perhaps, oligarchical. Ish?

It occurred to me after getting a little hot under the collar that the reality to cut it out.

In case hadn’t noticed lately, I’m not the alpha and omega of the universe. I don’t know all the rhymes and reasons for why things roll they way they do. I mean really Jerry, why did you have to die in 1995, four years after I got sober and was still too crazy to once again enjoy your music? And why is there only one word for the word ‘thesaurus’ or ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? Why does sour cream have an expiration date? Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why don’t fish get cramps after eating? These are mysteries I will never be able to solve. I could try but they might, in turn, only create useless and futile conspiracy theories.

So the best option seems to be gratitude today. Gonna remember this while I’m chowing on my seaweed, sipping on some turmeric tea, or popping some bifidobacterium (The Atlantic: 11/2015 – Immunotherapy cancer drugs depend on gut microbes), FDA approvals, inconsistencies and frailties of people and life, or whatever, be damned.

Finally, I will take solace in knowing that none of this really matters anyway.  In case you didn’t know the world ended last year. In some kind of bizarre, mass Jacob’s Ladder scenario, we haven’t realized it yet.

Here’s proof that Nostradamus was right, that the world did end last year, as  heralded by the release Zombeavers trailer in 2014.

Now perhaps we can only be saved now by a Fast Times sequel: WeWantAFastimesAtRidgemontHighSequel

Opposite work

Today, I’m relatively okay with the prospect of dying from cancer. Yet I choose to believe that I’m going to live. Those two ideas make strange bedfellows. They don’t really make sense as a combo meal, kind of like broccoli and Cheetos. Yet somehow or another they work gastronomically and I’m okay with some or all of it not entirely making sense, just for today (thank you Stuart Smally).

There wasn’t always this truce in place. It wasn’t always this way – believe-you-me friends and fellow freaks. The biggest brawls I’ve had since being diagnosed with cancer have been with myself. This particular fight, between the dying and living camps, escalated to epic proportions some time ago. We’re talking a bloody cage match- Ricky Rude vs. The Ultimate Warrior at WWF Summer Slam 1990 or Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant smashing folding chairs over heads- dimensions.

On the one hand I really wanted to believe that no matter what happened everything would be okay. I didn’t want to walk around pissed off, berating doctors, kicking puppies, punching babies, or pushing old ladies down stairwells, bitter and depressed to the bitter end. If anything I wanted to be an example to my boys and friends of how to comport oneself, even if I felt like the least qualified human to do so and even if things didn’t end up going my way.

Who knows, I told myself…Maybe dying would be the very thing that pushed Connor and Derek to become world famous musicians of the legendary band “Flux Capacitor,” in between stints as future NHL hall of famers, after graduating from MIT with doctorates in rocket brain science surgery and advanced metaphysical ministry? And Sarah, not to be left out, would fall madly in love and re-marry the next billionaire philanthropist, who’s fortune 100 company would simultaneously cure toe fungus and cancer (oh the irony!) with a wine derived entirely from polluted melted polar ice cap H2O which, in turn, would prove safe for hopeless alcoholics to guzzle responsibly (damn you cruel irony, damn you to Hades) while simultaneously removing those stubborn coffee and pets stains on carpets. 

Okay, so things maybe wouldn’t come to pass in such monumental ways – hey but maybe they would, ya never know – but you get the point. My passing would yield, despite the hardship sure to be in attendance, a net positive result.

Diametrically opposed to acceptance of dying was the insistent thought/desire/hope/belief in living.  As I tossed east, west, north and south in bed at 2 a.m. or screamed on the trail at 7 a.m. (much to the amusement and/or trepidation of my fellow runners/walkers who were likely thinking “Just smile and wave (and run away) boys, smile and wave (and run away)”), it had to be this way.  I had to be healed no matter what. Belief in healing has been well documented with a load of stats and studies that suggest positive attitudes are a key ingredient in any surviving cancer concoction; and beyond that, as far as I was concerned, it was also an intrinsic article of faith that I better try to cultivate.

So these two concepts waged war, using me as fertile punching grounds, leading to sleepless nights, unpleasant drives to work, surly, bad moods, near puppy kicking and people pushing incidents etc.  The best I could do was to try not to think about either one, dying or living, good or bad, right or wrong, pro or against, for either option. I had to wave “bye” to both for a time.

Here one of my favorite Seinfield episodes comes to mind. Its where George realizes that because absolutely none of his little plans and designs have ever worked, he should do the exact opposite of whatever his mind tells him to do.

@ 25 years ago this kind of approach to life began to make some serious sense. I was busted up pretty good at the time. Nothing was working right.

A friend used to like to say, whenever the subject of me and “brokenness” came up, “You know Lee the only thing that needs to change in your life is, EVERYTHING.” He’d follow that up with a good laugh, “”Har-har-har,” which I didn’t really find all that hilarious … 0-;

But I eventually realized that he and Costanza were actually onto the good stuff and I better start practicing the rule of opposites.

Doing it wasn’t easy or fun. In fact I found opposite work colossally hard; especially because it involved taking control of my thinking; or at least, continually redirecting it. As that same loving a-hole with the quote and the laugh above used to say, “Lee, you’re not responsible for the thoughts that come in your head, but you are responsible for what you do with them.” I wanted to quit everyday, a couple hundred-hundred times an day, hour, minute, second and do some serious binge thinking.

As it turns out, perceived suckiosity might actually have been a good sign. You know something along the lines of that old adage, “If it’s not hard it’s not worth doing.” Or as Dave Goggins in The 40% Rule: A Navy SEAL’s Secret to Mental Toughness says, “If it doesn’t suck we don’t do it.” Word.

The point is that sometimes a thing or things don’t really have to make sense, right now. Maybe they will later. That’s not a requirement for success or meaning or whatever.

Back to near present time frames, by letting go of the living or dying battle for awhile, I eventually came to accept them both, together, of being two sides of the same meal of whatever experience I was having.

Walter Murch, one of the mad geniuses behind The Godfather and Apocalypse Now, is not only a legendary film editor but a serious science nerd and meta physicist. I like what he had to say in recent article from Nautilus,

“…it’s very presumptuous of us to think that we are the end of it. Yes, we can perceive everything that we can perceive, and we can perceive downward pretty efficiently thanks to science…but constitutionally, I would say, it’s impossible for us to scientifically perceive upward. We have intuitions about that, which is the whole idea of religion…There is a kind of science in the Bible of, don’t eat pork, don’t eat shellfish, these things, behavioral stuff; but what are these based on? We now know what they’re based on and we can see the larger picture because we’re further down the road, so my hunch is that, I mean it’s a hunch, but a belief is that there are many levels beyond us and I don’t know what those levels are but I know that they are there…”  

So the point is it is possible to not really understand something prior to believing or accepting it. That does not make it any less real, missing or not there.

Today I’m okay with dying but I’m also believing I’m gonna live.

Okay. Done. Peace. Truce. May the schwartz be with you.

Back to dinner.

broccoli-cheetos2

Support to Skin of Steel on Giving Tuesday

There are a lot of good reasons to support Skin of Steel.

My two favorites are:

  1. The tissue banks they are establishing will lead to major advances in melanoma treatment. Similar tissue banks have led to major advances in breast, colon and lung cancer. This same approach will work with regard to melanoma research and advancement of life saving treatment options for the thousands of patients like me.
  2. Susan Steel probably saved my life with the information and sage advice provided three years ago. This is indicative of the organization. The information SoS provides is accurate, to the point, and, as mentioned, potentially life saving.

Please visit SoS for more information.

Thanks for checking them out!

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