It just doesn’t matter

Had an endoscopy on Thursday due to acute-bordering-on-chronic abdominal pain.  When I woke from general anesthesia I met with the doctor and he let me know that I was the proud Poppa of inflammation in my stomach and a bouncing baby ulcer.  Should have known better and been expecting this surprise- namely because I wasn’t expecting this surprise.

This is one of the near constant lessons of the entire experience, something along the lines of “just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…”  There are so many twists and turns.  Whenever I’m convinced that I know what the next turn is going to be, there’s a twist in the turn.  Prior to the procedure I was pretty certain that the issue was going to be gallstones.  Those still may be in play, more tests are needed.  But for now we need to address the ulcer.

Needless to say, my reaction to the news was crappy. Like epic crappy.

“Normally,” the doctor said, “ulcerations in the stomach are pink.  You’re particular ulcer, Mr. Fay, is pigmented and due to your medical history this could be melanoma.”  That was all I needed to hear.  Felt like I was pinned to the bed. Next came my typical reaction to this sort of news. I don’t cry or talk or whatever.  I get mad.  And I was hurricane Katrina mad.

Now, we don’t know if it is a melanoma ulceration.  Won’t have biopsy for another couple of days.  What’s more, previous non cancerous ulcers in my gut have been pigmented.  So there is hope and reason to believe that this one will be the same.  Even if it is not something we want, we aren’t talking hundreds of tumors.  There may be more steps we can take.  But I wasn’t having any of that puerile hope stuff.

I know part of it is I am exhausted. Tired of butt kicking.  Didn’t eat for 4 days last week.  Can’t enjoy food – even my crappy sugar free, non-bacon and juicy burger eating, vegetarian diet, such as it is. Tired of trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy.  It’s a lot of pressure to be working, being a dad, hitting all these appointments, trying to be positive along with kind, patient, helpful yeah yeah yeah…  I guess these kinds reactions are to be expected.

But, got to say I’m sick of that too.  Maybe more sick of the sucky attitude than anything else.

The reason I’m bringing it up is because I woke up Friday morning and realized I had to at least try (emphasis on try) to snap out of it. That meant getting up a half hour early in the morning and spending some quiet time and attempting (emphasis on attempting) to get myself right.  It meant trying to attempt (equal emphasis on both trying and attempting) to be helpful to somebody even when I don’t feel like it.  None of that makes sense to me.

But I can tell you, three days later, it works.  I don’t know how or why but it does. Its better. I feel a little better. Have some acceptance going and realized that it doesn’t matter what happens if I insist on an ulcerous outlook.  The attitude is what will make or break whatever comes next and today I choose to believe that whatever comes next is good, thy will be done.

Dunno where these dorky references to “old” movies arise but Bill Murray has taken up a chant in my head.