34.25 Signs You Might be an A-hole

Originally the title of this post was “34.25 Signs You Might Be an A-hole.” I was, quite unselfishly and humbly I might add, going to provide a quick and easy way for people to recognize those a-holes living among us. What a guy! What a noble calling! What a rubric for negotiating modern life! What an…

But then I got to thinking (which is usually not a great idea but in this case it worked out okay)…

What an a-hole. 

I mean how is it that I can lay claim to even a modest degree of proficiency in the subject matter; and so smugly produce a list?

Make no mistake the first sign, as in #1 in the list below, is there for a reason.

So, anyways, I changed the title temporarily of this post to “34.25 Signs I might be an A-hole.”

That seemed a better title for awhile…

But, needless to say, I changed the title back.

I’ll give you 34.25 chances to guess the reason why.

34.25 Signs You Might Be an A-hole

  1. Whenever you are thinking you are not really an a-hole, then you probably are one, so sorry
  2. If you are convinced that somebody else is an a-hole, then its possible you could be one too (also sorry about this)
  3. Whenever you are overly sorry, that’s a perhaps a good indication you are a sorry a-hole
  4. If you are speaking ‘passionately’ and it has suddenly gotten very quiet in the room, you might be tangling with a-hole-ish behavior
  5. When you get done speaking and no one is looking at you, chances are good that you are an a-hole
  6. If somebody just whispered, ‘What a total a-hole’ under their breath, that’s probably not a good sign either
  7. Whenever you feel compelled to prove how much you know or how right your opinion is, then hot-dang, get yourself a ‘I might be an a-hole’ t-shirt son
  8. If you are driven to talk about something you have little or no knowledge about, then you might want to convince yourself you are an a-hole first
  9. If somebody just texted their friends while you are speaking, ‘can you believe this a-hole??? lol’, then the prognosis is likely “un-good” as far as you and the title of a-hole are concerned
  10. If you go to the DMV to get your custom license plates and the clerk says ‘How about ‘A.H.O.L.E’ instead? That could indicate you might want to have A.H.O.L.E. stamped on your forehead
  11. If you just got done calling someone else an a-hole, you might want to check your own nether regions
  12. When education, name, birth place, place of residence, team, employment status or position, relative wealth/poverty, race, political opinions, suffering or success, religious or spiritual opinions make you better or “righter” than some other a-hole, you may be displaying classic a-hole symptoms
  13. When you use words like “truly” or “sincerely”, that could be a bad sign of a possible a-hole outbreak
  14. When you feel like you have been waiting ‘long enough’, you might not have to wait much longer to prove you are an a-hole
  15. When you find yourself judging a-holes for being too judgmental, that’s can be a sure sign of a real a-hole move
  16. Whenever you are 110% correct, you are usually 100% a-hole
  17. If those a-holes are 110% wrong, you are probably not 100% non-a-hole
  18. When you passed a lie detector test, even though you were lying, congratulations! You may have passed the a-hole detection test
  19. If you take another lie detector test in which they ask if you were lying on the first lie detector test, and you pass, you may have just been proven ‘guilty’ a-hole
  20. When you insist on being called a doctor even if you have a PHD and that’s not really the cultural norm, this could be considered pseudo-a-hole-ish behavior
  21. When you feel its your mission to change a cultural norm, however insignificant or popular and/or benign, you might want to check your nether regions
  22. When you just have to say something even if its going to shatter someone else’s feelings/stature/pride/position, just because you know ‘its the right thing to do (for them of-course)’, then you are probably about to be wrong and they will probably be right later when they call you an a-hole
  23. If your wife prints out this list, laminates, and sticks a copy in your wallet, then you are probably, literally a card carrying member of the a-hole fan club
  24. When you discover your laminated, a-hole card in your wallet and ask yourself, ‘Now why did she stick that in here?’ then, ladies and gentleman, the a-hole may have just entered the building
  25. When acting like an a-hole, you pull out this card and can’t find a single thing to relate to, rip the card up and swallow, digestion might be your only chance at uncovering your true a-hole self
  26. If your wife gives you a glass belt buckle for Christmas and says, ‘Here now you can see where you are going,’ you might possibly get accused someday of being an a-hole
  27. When you write a heated email and use lots of these and those and them or even this, this could suggest you are in an a-hole state of mind
  28. If you are wondering if you should send the aforementioned e-mail, you might want to wrap yellow ‘Caution – A-Hole Line – Do Not Cross’ around your work space
  29. If you send it anyway, um, you may have just crossed the border into A-hole-ico-land
  30. When you use too many “you”s in sentence, YOU might be an a-hole
  31. When you use too many “I”s in a sentence, that can be a measure of a-hole-itis
  32. If you use the term ‘a-hole’ instead of asshole in a list like ‘34.25 Signs You Might Be an A-hole’ because you want people to think you never actually use the term asshole cuz like you are too evolved a person to swear anymore, then your a-hole certification has probably not expired
  33. If you can’t think of anything nice to say but you say it anyway, well…c’mon man what would your Mother say man?
  34. If somebody calls you a ‘Mass-hole’ because A-hole is not a big enough term to describe you, then you might-could-possible-be a real a-hole of the real a-hole variety

.25 If you tack on .25 to a “34.25 Signs You Might Be an A-hole” list to try to be “cute” or get attention or who knows why, they might soon be welcoming you to A.A. (A-holes Anonymous) club

Of-course, there is a difference I think between ‘being’ and ‘acting’ like an a-hole. And of-course, anyone that uses ‘of-course’ in a sentence might be accused of a-hole-holic behavior (I can’t stop; this could of-course be #35) someday. But anyways…is that really true? Are being and acting a true distinction? There was a time in my life when I thought intentions mattered. There was later a time in my life when I realized intentions didn’t matter; it was the actions that counted. But now I think its somewhere in between. At least I had those good intentions, like a seed. They were however un-realized, at least, present. Though perhaps the longer intentions went un-realized the bigger the a-hole becomes. Anyways, I have diverged a little here from something somewhat comical and truthful or maybe tragic (all maybe the same?), to a more serious subject.

This means there has to be time for one more…

#36 When you are that guy that takes something relatively fun and light and makes it kind of morbid or self-reflective, that may be a sign you have stepped into yonder a-hole territory.